


In his shadow

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Sad Phil, Self-Esteem Issues, Song Lyrics, Swearing, problematic fans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 10:17:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10660494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: Comments on Tumblr have Phil questioning his future.Song lyrics-Bother by Stone Sour.





	In his shadow

 

 

In his shadow

 

_I wish I had a reason, my flaws are open season_

 

   They were both sat on the bed, backs pressed against the headboard and laptops balanced on outstretched legs. Dan was scrolling through Tumblr, laughing at the massive meltdown their fans have been having the last few days. Who knew a few selfies would stir up so much drama? Phil did. He knew **exactly** what would happen, which is why he had encouraged Dan to take and post them. Dan had been so upset their first day in Singapore when the set of creep shots began to circulate. Unfortunately they were used to those kind of things, you just can't control everything and fans seem to be everywhere. But then some of the fans starting mocking Dan's shoes-dad shoes and Dandals being some of the nicer things said about them. Dan has always been sensitive to criticism and his self-esteem had taken a hit. So Phil did what he's always done and helped boost Dan back up. Phil knew the fans had drooled over the ripped jeans so he suggested Dan wear them and take another one of his famous mirror selfies. It had taken Dan about fifteen minutes to get the one he thought looked best but they had giggled together as Dan hit the share button.

   As predicted the fandom went crazy. Posts, reposts, fan art, and edits popped up at alarming speeds. Everyone was talking about Dan's sexy photo, his jeans, even his knees. Phil was incredibly amused by the whole thing but then he could afford to be...he gets to see Dan's knees all the time. What Phil didn't predict, but should have,were the snide comments aimed in his direction. After all, it wouldn't be the first time that he's been compared to Dan and found lacking. Phil knows that he's not conventionally pretty like Dan-he has sharp cheekbones, a beaky nose, and a thinner build-but he's usually content with his looks. He continued to shrug off the negativity, scrolling through his feed, until he got to an exchange that stung a little more than he's used to.

“ _ **Has Phil gained weight? He's got a little belly!”**_

“ _ **Ugh, his clothes are so boring!**_

“ _ **Well he is 30 now. He's getting a bit old for YouTube, don't ya think?”**_

“ _ **Yeah but he could still dress like Dan instead of an actual dad”**_

“ _ **He can't pull off the clothes that Dan wears...he's not hot enough. I wonder what Dan sees in him anyway. Dan could have anyone!”** _

   Well. That's a bit more vicious than the usual comments he gets. He's used to being called out for being weird and clumsy. Hell, he's even used to being called ugly! But it seems like the comments are getting nastier with each video he uploads, with every event he and Dan participate in. He's starting to dread everything about his career lately...the anxiety over his video ideas, the awkward meet and greets, being scrutinized every second they are out in the public eye. The damn comparisons.

   “Phil? Are you alright?” Phil startles, snapping his gaze over to Dan. Dan is watching him, eyebrows drawn down into a slight frown. “You were just sitting there, staring. Everything ok?” he asked, shifting closer to Phil so that their legs were pressed together from thigh to ankle.

   “Oh! Oh, yeah. I'm fine Dan...just tired. You know how the meet and greets wear on me. I hate trying to think of something clever to say to all these people” he admits, eyes locked on the screen of his laptop. He heard Dan say something in reply but all of his attention was on the post he was just tagged in. It's a new piece of fan art, beautifully drawn. It would be lovely if it weren't so awful. It's a sketch of Dan's selfie, faithfully drawn in perfect detail. And there in the corner, hidden in the shadow cast by Dan, was a sketch of a miniature Phil with a caption reading _**'Phil's true place'**_. His breath catches on a little gasp as every insecurity he's been repressing lately floods his mind.

    “Phil!” Dan is shaking his arm now, trying to get his attention. “Phil, what is going on?” he yells. “You just completely shut down on me”. Phil slowly closed his laptop and looked up at Dan, apologizing. “I'm sorry Dan, I'm just really tired. Can we go to sleep now?” Dan doesn't look convinced but turns out the light after Phil removed his contacts and slid under the duvet. He cuddles up close to Phil, putting his arm around his waist. Phil tucks his face into the space between Dan's neck and shoulder and just breathes. It's hard to hide from someone when you're traveling together. Even harder to hide when sharing a hotel room but he was going to give it his best shot. Oh, Phil didn't mean _physically_ trying to hide because let's face it, when you're 6'2” hiding anywhere is kind of impossible. No, what he needed to hide was his state of mind. He knew that he was being a little melodramatic, that he was spiraling but he can't seem to help himself. And he can't reach out to Dan this time. I can do this...I'll be fine, he thinks to himself, his eyes closing as sleep overtakes him.

   He's waited until he felt Phil fall asleep, his body becoming pliant as tense muscles finally relax. Dan's no fool, he knows when Phil is upset. What he doesn’t understand is why Phil wouldn't talk to him about it. What could be so bad that Phil would try to conceal it from him? He's going to find out right now, Dan thinks, and slowly creeps off of the bed and over to Phil's laptop. As he enters the password he feels a twinge of guilt and sends a mental apology to Phil. But as Dan starts reading the Tumblr post that Phil had forgotten to close the guilt dries up and changes to anger. He can actually feel his body shake with it as he looks at the drawing Phil was tagged in, his mind blank from rage. This bullshit is what has been putting that look on Phil's face, the anxiety in his eyes, and Dan isn't going to stay silent this time. He knows that Phil likes to keep drama to a minimum, that Phil **hates** confrontation, but fuck that. Dan realizes that most of the fans are lovely and supportive but it's time that they stop accepting everything their fans throw at them. They've been too accommodating, excusing bad behavior because of the young age of their fan base, but that's going to end **now**. If they're old enough to fuck around on the internet then they're old enough to be accountable for what they do on it. It's time for this fandom to grow up.

 

_But once I hold on, I won't let go til it bleeds_

 

   They've been home for a week when Phil sits himself next to Dan on the sofa. He's looking unusually serious as he turns Dan, opens his mouth, and proceeds to shock the life right out of him. “Dan, I think I want to quit YouTube” he says, his voice small and thin. He's pale, paler than usual, and Dan can tell that he's nervous and unsure.

   “Phil...are you fucking serious right now?” He know he shouldn't swear, that it's vital that he remains calm, but he truly can not believe the words that just came from Phil's lips. “Are you actually serious?” Phil sat fidgeting for a minute in silence before answering. “Yes” he muttered “I'm serious. I've thought about it for a while now and I...”

   “Tell me this isn't about that shit on Tumblr!” Dan interrupted. Phil's shocked gaze flew up to meet Dan's angry brown eyes, his mouth dropping open in surprise. “How the hell did you know about that?” Phil asked, squirming against the couch cushions. He thought he'd done a fairly decent job of hiding his emotional state but here was Dan, seeing through him like nobody else in the world could.

   “I know because I saw the damn posts Phil” he spat, getting angry all over again. “I saw the art you were tagged in”. He saw Phil flinch out of the corner of his eye and tried to steady himself. He knew that ranting wasn't going to help but the thought of Phil quitting something he essentially pioneered pissed him off. Dan took a deep breath then let it out slowly. “Phil” he said gently “You know that those posts aren't true, don't you?”. He moved closer, reaching out for Phil's hand. He entwined their hands, giving them a little shake in order to get Phil to look at him. “Phil?”

   “I don't know what I think honestly” Phil said, licking his lips nervously. “Obviously there are people out there that do think that it's true. That I live in your shadow because that's the best I can do”. He went on in a rush, as if he didn't want Dan to hear what he was going to say next “and I know you can do better than me. I know that I'm not that attractive...”. Dan cut in for the second time, angry once again. “Stop right there Phil. Don't you dare even finish that sentence because it really will be the stupidest thing you've ever said”. He stood and moved away from Phil, heading for the door. “I didn't realize you were so shallow, that you were only with me for my looks. I thought you loved me for who I was” he said as he walked through the door and toward their room.

   Phil was left sitting alone on the sofa, completely shocked at how the conversation had turned on him. He knew Dan would be upset but he thought he would understand where Phil was coming from. But why would he, Phil thought bitterly. Dan's never been considered the ugly one in the relationship, never had his relationship to Phil questioned or judged. He paused at that as he realized that wasn’t quite true. Dan used to get a lot of nasty comments about how he was riding coattails, that he was using Phil to increase his subscriber counts. Even now there are comments about how dependent Dan is, how he can't manage without Phil. He breathed out a sigh and got to his feet, ready to go apologize to Dan. He wasn't looking forward to it, not just because he overreacted, but because Dan didn't usually make apologizing easy. Phil left the lounge and made his way to the bedroom, pausing in the doorway.

    Dan was laying on the bed, flat on his back and staring at the ceiling. He turned his head to look at Phil and cocked an eyebrow at him. Phil slunk over to the bed and flopped next to Dan. He looked at that face he knew as well as his own and felt that rush of love all over again. “I'm sorry” he whispered, raising his hand and stroking Dan's face. He ran his thumb over that bottom lip that was perpetually chapped, looked into his eyes, and said again “I'm sorry. I overreacted and let a handful of comments get to me. I love you Dan, you know that right? And that it has nothing to do with how you look?” he asked, worry tinging his voice.

   Dan's lips tilted into a smile as his looked at Phil's anxious face.”Of course I know that Phil. I only said that so you would understand just how offensive it was for you to assume that my love for you has anything to do with your appearance.” He continued with a laugh,“You know, you really need to learn how to check your Tumblr tags properly. You should see how many Phil Lester lovers there really are!” He placed his hand over Phil's, pressing his hand to his face.“All joking aside,you do realize that what a handful of people say doesn't define you? And that there is so much more to you than what's visible on the outside? We have to keep shrugging off the bullshit Phil” Dan said. “You also realize that we have to address this with them though, right?”

   Phil nodded his head in agreement, even though he was already dreading it. He really does hate confrontation but with Dan beside him he knows that they can work through anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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